It can feel daunting to heal your relationship when you and your partner are simultaneously triggering each other’s trauma. You know that developing a sense of safety is crucial for healing trauma, but it seems impossible to achieve safety amidst the vicious cycle. The good news is, there are things you and your partner can do to disengage from this vicious cycle and create a more safe and comforting relational environment.

How does trauma affect our relationship?

Trauma, including attachment wounds, can affect all areas of a relationship including communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and financial and physical health. A study published in the Clinical Psychology Review found that of all the symptoms of PTSD, emotional numbing and hyperarousal have the greatest impact on romantic relationships.

What this can look like is having difficulty accepting love despite reassurance, fearing rejection or abandonment, having heightened reactions during conflicts, and feeling helpless in the relationship. You might find that you are quick to criticize or react. Rather than expecting the best of your partner, you see them as a threat to your safety even if there isn’t an actual threat present. This happens because your brain’s alarm system has learned to work on overdrive. Trauma physiologically rewires the brain and our inner safety and survival instincts.

Conflicts become much more difficult to navigate well when either partner is triggered. What might seem like a small thing to fight about is actually attached to deeper webs of meaning linked to significant pain. Bessel van der Kolk, trauma expert and author of “The Body Keeps the Score,” reminds us that trauma isn’t simply about an event that took place in the past–it is the imprint on our minds, brains, and bodies from that traumatic event. The impact is internal and not simply a story from our past. What this means is that when you are triggered, you experience that trigger with the same intensity of the original traumatic event. The trauma lives in your brain and body and is activated in that moment. It isn’t as simple as “this reminds me of a time when…”

So what do you do if both you AND your partner have trauma?

Here are a few things that can help:

Each partner does their own individual healing work
This can look like finding your support system, working individually with a trauma therapist, and doing self-reflection
Make communication and vulnerability a priority in the relationship
As a unit, communication and vulnerability are extremely important–trauma often comes with shame that can surface in a rupture in the relationship. Be open to communicating about these vulnerable pieces of yourselves in order to work through these separately and together.
Work with a couples therapist
Couples therapy can give you a safe, contained space to work through the triggers and attachment wounds you both experience in the relationship. Through couples therapy, you can develop healthy conflict management strategies such as recognizing when you are emotionally overwhelmed and taking a time out to calm your body’s system
Learn when you or your partner are emotionally hijacked
Gottman, famous marriage researcher, uses the term flooded to describe the emotional hijacking of the nervous system that can occur in times of conflict. Be aware of when you feel flooded and take a moment to pause. You will not be able to respond to the conflict rationally, creatively, or productively when you are hyper aroused. Gottman suggests that it takes 20-30 minutes minimum to allow for your physiology to calm down.
Learn about polyvagal theory so that you can understand how subtle and overt stimuli can trigger your nervous systems based on your traumatic experiences. Pay attention to how your nervous system responds when you are triggered. Do you shut down? Fight? Desire to flee?
Become an expert in understanding and respecting your partner’s triggers
By learning what triggers your partner, you can navigate your conflicts in ways that feel safe to your partner. This is a way to disengage from the triggering cycle you and your partner can get into and instead, find more productive ways to navigate conflict. By understanding and respecting your partner’s triggers, you can show your partner that you care and want to prioritize their well-being.
Learning about attachment theory is a great way to learn how to respect your partner’s triggers. Understanding each person’s attachment style will help you learn how to respond to your partner’s relational needs and show up in your relationship in a way that feels safe to your partner.
Set aside time daily to listen to each other.
Give you and your partner the opportunity to feel heard and cared about. When couples practice sharing and listening, they grow closer and feel more supported in the relationship.
Learn to be emotionally present with your partner and practice this by doing Gottman’s Stress Reducing Conversation.
Attend a trauma-informed couples retreat
Couples retreats can give you and your partner the opportunity to spend some time away from the daily distractions and stressors of life to focus on your relationship. Having a concentrated amount of time to focus on your relationship can allow you to gain healing momentum and set a solid foundation for your ongoing couples therapy work.