We all need emotional connections. The world can be a frightening place–most of us have some sort of trauma living within us– and emotional bonding is one of the greatest healing medicines we have. Having a loved one to bond with on an emotional level is crucial to developing resilience and recovering from the pains and stressors we face.

Emotional Presence: A Healing Balm

Core to any relationship’s strength and security is emotional presence. Sue Johnson has 3 criteria (ARE) for this kind of emotionally present, secure bond in a romantic relationship:

A- Accessible

Each partner is emotionally accessible to the other. This involves not only being willing to share with emotional vulnerability, but also being attuned to your partner’s emotional state and being able to notice slight shifts in that state.

R- Responsive

Each partner not only acknowledges their partner’s needs, but is willing to respond emotionally to their partner when they make a request. This means not being dismissive or distracted, but communicating on a deep level that you see them, care for them, and have their back.

E- Engaged

Each partner remains emotionally engaged by checking in regularly with each other to maintain a connection. In times of conflict, you remain emotionally present by valuing what the other person is sharing and avoiding becoming defensive.

Putting It Into Practice

Staying emotionally present with your partner is one of the best ways to build a secure relational foundation that will help you weather the storms when they come. If you are looking for a way to be intentional about being emotionally present in your relationship, I would encourage you to create a daily ritual that helps you connect with each other. This might mean taking time each day when you reconnect to talk about your day.

Gottman, a renowned marriage researcher, suggests using the Stress Reducing Conversation with your partner to help build a secure bond and deepen your trust in your relationship.

Here is how you practice the Stress Reducing Conversation:

Set aside 30 minutes where you are able to spend some distraction-free time together.
For the first fifteen minutes, listen to your partner’s feelings as they share about a stressor they are experiencing. This isn’t the time to bring up things your partner has done to upset you. Do your best to talk about something beyond the relationship.
As you are listening, avoid problem-solving. Instead, offer empathy and understanding. Communicate you care by asking open-ended questions.
For the second 15 minutes, switch roles so that each partner will have a chance to feel seen and supported.

When tensions are high or life is full of stress, it can be easy to want to disengage and enter into survival mode. The truth is, that in doing so, we push away the people who can love us through the pain and stress. We all need secure bonds in our lives that offer us the safety net to land on when times are tough. The people we love are the hidden regulators of our physical and emotional lives. They help us hold onto hope, make meaning, soothe our pain, and heal our trauma. So, with that said, let your loved ones in, practice emotional presence and watch your bond deepen and grow more secure.

Sources

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, Little, Brown & Co.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-support-your-partner-when-youre-hurting-too/

How to Be Emotionally Present to Your Partner