The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Stories help us feel safe.
When something triggers a strong emotion in us, our first instinct is to create a story that helps us make sense of what happened. Brene Brown, in her book, Rising Strong, explains that the stories we tell ourselves bring order to chaos–especially emotional chaos. She explains that we are meaning-making creatures. When we don’t have all of the information, creating stories is our survival skill that helps us create a sense of safety and security.
Have you ever texted your partner or a friend something vulnerable, pressed send, and then felt your heartbeat pound in your chest as you watched that person’s 3 little typing dots appear then disappear, appear again…and then disappear, only to be left without a response? What stories were rushing through your mind in that moment?
I know that my story often says, “Oh no, I said something wrong. They must be upset with me.” I then proceed to spend the next hour analyzing my text over and over trying to anticipate any possible critiques, judgments, or reasons the person has to be mad at me.
Our stories are about self protection.
Our brains are wired to help us identify and survive the dangers around us. Our default reaction when we are triggered is to evaluate who is on our side and who is against us. We create dichotomies and view things in black and white terms, but reality is rarely this clear cut. For some of us, we blame others. For others, we blame ourselves before someone else can. At the end of the day, our stories try to protect us by helping us avoid our vulnerable emotions such as fear or shame.
Unfortunately, this form of self protection rarely leads to connection. When our stories take place in the context of our relationships, they tend to magnify our fears and anxieties rather than turning us toward curiosity and connection. As long as we are living in self-protection mode, it will be difficult to let down our defenses and connect with the person in front of us.
Brene Brown suggests using the phrase, “The story I’m telling myself is…”, to engage our curiosity and build resilience. The importance of this I-statement is that it turns us away from reactiveness and opens us to explore other possible realities. What else could be true in this moment?
For example, perhaps my friend on the other end of the text message was not mad at me, but rather was taking the time to be intentional in their words because I had shared something so vulnerable. Perhaps they wanted to honor that vulnerability with their mindfulness and intentionality. Or perhaps they had a screaming toddler asking for their attention and they were getting interrupted after every two words they typed. There are so many possibilities, yet our stories tend to default to the less favorable of scenarios.
By turning toward curiosity, we take responsibility for the stories that drive a wedge between us and the person we are reacting to. We begin to engage the relationship rather than react and protect ourselves from the relationship.
Two Types of Storytellers
Many of us tend to default to a certain type of story. For some of us, we internalize the situation at hand and default to a shame-based story. For others, we externalize the problem and default to a blame-based story.
Internalizers
Internalizers operate under the belief that they are responsible for the problem at hand. Their default thought is, “I must be doing something wrong.” Internalizers are incredibly self-reflective (sometimes to a fault) and will dig deep within themselves to understand what they did wrong and what they could do differently. Internalizers spend a lot of emotional energy absorbing and noticing what is happening around them. They tend to be extremely alert to other people’s inner states–they may sense another person’s anger and immediately begin examining what they might have done to evoke that anger. Unfortunately, while they may have accurately perceived another person’s emotional state, their understanding of the cause of that emotion (the story they tell themselves) might be inaccurate. The internalizer’s stories often involve feeling guilty for displeasing someone or blaming themselves for something. Shame becomes an experience that causes them to suffer alone.
Externalizers
Externalizers, on the other hand, operate under the belief that someone or something else is to blame for the issue at hand. They look to things in the outside world changing in order for them to feel happy. Externalizers tend to be reactive and do things impulsively to release their anxiety. Rather than using self-reflection, they may blame other people or circumstances for their problems. For example, if your partner says something that triggers you, as an externalizer you might be quick to react with anger, defensiveness, or blame. An internalizer, on the other hand, might withdraw and sink into shame as they get down on themselves for feeling triggered or being “too broken.” The externalizer often lives out their stories by launching into fight or flight mode and getting defensive in relationships. Shame is a core experience of an externalizer as well, however, externalizers use denial to avoid consciously feeling their shame, which can lead to impulsivity, blame, and pushing people away.
Most people do not function purely as an externalizer or internalizer, however there may be one mode of storytelling that is more predominant than the other in your interactions with people and situations.
Understanding Our Stories
Resilient people challenge their stories.
Challenging our stories involves facing our real emotions–however ugly or scary they may be–and getting in touch with the more vulnerable parts of ourselves.
Brene Brown writes, “Reckon comes from the Old English, recenian, meaning ‘to narrate.’ When you reckon with emotion, you can change your narrative. You have to acknowledge your feelings and get curious about the story behind them. Then you can challenge those confabulations and get to the truth.”
Relationships thrive on truth. As long as we are holding onto the stories that do not align with reality, true, intimate connection will be difficult (and, for the sake of not using absolutes, nearly impossible). We must wrestle with what is real, no matter how messy it might be.
If you are ready to reckon with your stories and uncover what is true, I would invite you to walk with me through the following steps:
Listen to your body
Our true selves are intimately connected to our bodies. Our bodies serve as guideposts to understanding our emotions. Take a moment to listen to your body–notice the sensations you are experiencing. Perhaps you feel tension in your jaw, heat in your face, or you crave a large bag of potato chips. Don’t worry about understanding these feelings just yet. Simply acknowledge that they are there.
Check out this Body Scan Meditation to gain more clarity on the what your body is telling you about your emotions.
Get curious about the story behind these feelings
This is one of the most difficult parts, because contempt and resentment are much easier experiences to face than our vulnerable emotions. If you are reacting to something your partner said and you feel your heart pounding, your mind racing, tension in your jaw, or a desperate craving for potato chips…
Ask yourself:
What happened right before I craved the potato chips?
What am I protecting myself from?
Am I more hurt than I originally thought?
What am I afraid of right now?
Write it down
This is your chance to explore the story you are telling yourself by writing down the following:
What emotions are you experiencing?
What body sensations are you feeling?
Notice the thoughts running through your mind–what are they saying?
What are you believing right now?
Take a moment to bring it all together by writing “The story I’m telling myself is…”
*Side note: Connecting with and identifying our emotions takes practice and can be difficult if it is not something you do regularly. Try taking a look at a Feeling Wheel to uncover your deeper emotions.
Confront reality
It's now time to explore these findings deeper and align your thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions with reality.
Ask yourself the following questions:
What are the facts of this situation? What are my assumptions?
What do I still need to know about the others involved in this situation? What else could be true other than my assumption?
What am I truly feeling and what part did I play in this situation?
For example, perhaps my initial reaction to my partner not orchestrating a date night is anger, but could there be something deeper beneath that? A sense of worthlessness? Wondering if I matter? Insecurity?
What else in my history does this experience resemble?
For many of us with trauma, we may react strongly to a triggering event or person because it awakens our trauma. When we experience traumatic triggers, we experience them at a similar intensity to the original traumatic event. Another way of exploring this is asking, “who else is in the room?” (figuratively speaking). For example, perhaps your partner just did or said something that resembles in some way something a parent had done or said to you in the past that was damaging. Is there a possibility that you are reacting not only to your partner, but in a large way, that parent as well?
Examining our stories and aligning ourselves with reality is the key to not only building resilience, but developing deep connections with the people around us. Like anything in life, it is a process and will take time to make this practice more habitual.
If you are finding that trauma from your past plays a large part in how you relate with the people around you, I would encourage you to reach out to a trauma therapist for support. It is never too late to heal your past and develop deeply connected relationships.
Sources
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. Vermilion.
Gibson, L. C., & Gavin, M. (2016). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. Unabridged. [United States], Tantor Media, Inc.
