If you keep finding yourself in relationships that drain your emotional energy, are one-sided, or tend to diminish your sense of self-worth, chances are, you are an empathic person with permeable boundaries.

You are not a mean person. You have boundaries.

Setting boundaries is hard. In fact, in the face of toxic personalities, it can often feel as if you are being mean or rude. Let me assure you that the fact that you feel concerned over this shows that you are NOT a mean person. If you find yourself frequently neglecting your own needs and taking responsibility for others emotions, setting boundaries will most likely feel awkward and wrong at first.

As you continue to grow in becoming your own ally, loving yourself, and setting boundaries, you will find yourself becoming more and more surrounded with the healthy, reciprocal, and life-giving relationships that you desire.

Shahida Arabi, author of “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People” describes two categories of toxic people: Benign and Malignant. Toxicity in relationships exists on a spectrum. The benign types of toxic personalities often do not even know that they are participating in toxic behaviors. The malignant type, however, intentionally causes you pain and distress in order to meet their own needs.

Benign Toxic People

Arabi explains that there are 3 types of benign toxic people, and that these benign types are able to listen and respond to your boundaries. They have the capacity for empathy and respect. Below are the types of toxic personalities that Arabi explains in her book.

Boundary Steppers

These toxic people are the most benign of the 5 types, yet their toxicity is still important to address.

Toxic behaviors of boundary steppers include:

Talking over you
Asking more of you than you can give
Giving unsolicited advice
Breaking commitments
Displaying self-absorption

If you can think of one or several people in your life who cross your boundaries in these ways, there are several ways you can effectively re-establish boundaries with this person:

Cut the interaction short rather than actively engaging in the conversation in a way that encourages them to continue their behavior. You could same something like, “I’m actually really busy right now and cannot continue this conversation.”
Give yourself permission to interrupt and assert your boundaries. For example, if this person interrupted you mid-sentence to divert the conversation in a way that put the focus back on them, you can redirect the conversation by saying something such as, “Hold on, I would like to finish what I was saying.”
Gently ease this person into your unavailability, and they will slowly learn to respect your limits. For example, if there is someone who calls you most days during your work hours, making it difficult for you to do your job, you can let them know that you will not respond to their calls during the work week, but will call them on the weekend to check in. Be sure to follow through on this boundary if they try calling you when you said you would not be available.

2. Attention Seekers

These types want the attention to be on them at all times. This might be in the form of introducing conflict or sharing exciting stories about themselves that monopolize the conversation.

Toxic behaviors of Attention Seekers include:

Have an overwhelming need to be the center of attention
Introduce drama into situations
Become upset or lash out about how they feel neglected when they are not the center of attention

If you find yourself amidst people who frequently introduce drama in your life or become a source of frequent stress, there are several ways you can effectively establish boundaries with this person:

Withdraw attention. When this person is not getting the attention they are looking for, they will most likely find someone else who is able to give them that attention.
Gently tell them what you need. For example, you may pull them aside and let them know that while you value their opinion, you would like to get your ideas out without being interrupted.
Politely but firmly interrupt them and redirect attention. When you assert yourself and redirect the attention, you make yourself a less easy target as they seek to find someone who will feed their ego.

3. Emotional Vampires

Emotional vampires are those people in your life that are capable of empathy, yet emotionally drain you with their demands. Relationships with Emotional Vampires often result in one-sided, parasitic relationships.

Toxic behaviors of Emotional Vampires include:

Playing the victim
Abandoning you when you need help
Making excessive demands to address their emotional needs

If you find yourself frequently drained of emotional energy after interacting with an emotional vampire in your life, there are several ways you can effectively establish boundaries with this person:

Vocalize your boundaries. Set tangible boundaries and communicate the consequences that will result if they cross those boundaries. Implement the consequences any time the boundaries are trespassed.
Use the phrase, “I would love to help you, but I don’t have the emotional energy for this.” Repeating this phrase communicates your limits and reenforces your boundary.
It is critical to cut off one-sided interactions.

DEAR MAN: An effective DBT tool for dealing with benign toxicity

If you struggle with anticipated conflict or saying “no” in relationships, this tool will help you assert yourself in a healthy way.

D- Describe the situation objectively. Stick to the facts and avoid any opinions or interpretations of the situation.

E- Express how that situation impacts you and your emotions. Use the line, “I feel… because…”

A- Assert what you need or the change you would like to see.

R- Reinforce. Reward their positive and receptive response and reinforce why your desired change is positive.

M- Mindful. Be mindful of when the person is trying to divert the conversation. Be a broken record and repeat the request you are making.

A- Appear confident. Prepare yourself ahead of time by doing things that remind you of your worth and strength.

N- Negotiate. Be open to finding an alternative you can both agree to.

**IMPORTANT: This tool only works with non-abusive people that are willing to listen to you and your boundaries.

Malignant Toxic People

Malignant toxicity involves manipulation, exploitation, and a lack of empathy.

While difficult, boundaries are possible to set with malignant toxic personalities as long as you prioritize your own self-care. You cannot change this person and you are not responsible to do so either. The key will be learning how to become your own gatekeeper—what and who you will let affect you and what you will choose to step away from.

4. Narcissists

Narcissists are toxic in that they lack the empathy to care about the need of others. If you are in relationship with a narcissist, chances are you have learned to doubt your own perception, accepted a low view of yourself, and struggle to know who the true you is.

A key thing to understand about narcissists is that at the core, they feel a deep sense of shame. They have an unquenchable thirst for admiration and exploit others because deep down they dislike themselves. They will use any tactic they can to elevate their ego and diminish the self-esteem of others in order to make up for the deep shame they experience.

Toxic behaviors of Narcissists involve:

Never admitting they are wrong
Avoiding emotions and accountability
Expressing rage if someone challenges them
Instilling doubt in their victims
Stonewalling and the silent treatment during conflict in order to make you beg for their attention. This reinforces the power dynamic the elevates their ego.
Gaslighting that denies your perception of reality and minimizes their abusive behavior
Pathological lying that makes you dependent on their version of reality
Covert and overt put-downs that belittle and demean you sense of worth
Showing a lack of empathy and abandoning you in your time of need
Infidelity
Sabotaging your career, reputation, and relationships

Setting boundaries with a narcissist is very different from setting boundaries with one of the benign toxic personalities. If you are freedom from the degrading impact of a narcissistic relationship in your life, I have provided several tips for navigating this relationship:

Do NOT use diplomatic or vulnerable communication and withhold from openly stating your boundaries. Once the narcissist knows what will hurt you, they will do more of it.
Do NOT make yourself responsible for changing their emotions or behaviors.
DO be emotionally unresponsive to their tactics and keep your responses as short and emotionally detached as possible. Do not react the way they want you to. Understand that you are being manipulated and remain fixed on meeting your needs.
DO switch the topic when the conversation is getting into unsafe territory. A helpful way to do this is to switch the topic of conversation to something about them since narcissists love talking about themselves.
DO surround yourself with support before executing your exit plan. Surround yourself with safe and affirming friends and family. Find a trauma therapist that has a deep understanding of personality disorders.
DO document texts, voicemails, and emails that serve as evidence of their abuse.
DO practice extreme self-care. Mindfulness techniques, the safe place visualization, meditation, and yoga are all great ways to care for yourself amidst this hurtful relationship.

5. Sociopaths and Psychopaths

Sociopaths and psychopaths are the most malignant of the toxic personality types. They violate the rights of others and take sadistic pleasure in harming others. Often, they can become violent.

Toxic behaviors of psychopaths:

Pathological lying
superficially charming
yearn for constant stimulation
hides their double life
holds a sense of superiority and grandiosity
lives a parasitic lifestyle
aggressive and impulsive
taunts and traumatizes people for fun
does not conform to social norms
displays a lack of responsibility or remorse

If you think you might be in a relationship with a sociopath or psychopath, remember to hold your safety as the top priority. The following guidelines will help you create safety in your life and prepare for exiting this relationship:

Avoid face to face meetings
Notify all those you trust that you might be dealing with someone dangerous
Contact law enforcement if there is any stalking, harassment, or threats involved
Keep documentation of dangerous or abusive behavior
Do NOT reveal your vulnerabilities. Sociopaths and psychopaths look for vulnerabilities to exploit. Revealing these will make you a target.

CLEAR UP: An effective acronym for dealing with malignant toxicity

Arabi adapted an acronym to guide you in effectively dealing with the malignant toxic personality in your life.

C- Context. Describe the situation clearly using objective facts. Keep the description void of emotion and avoid face-to-face contact if you fear that your safety is in jeopardy.

L- Lay down the law. Describe the negative impact without talking about yourself or your emotions. Focus on the consequences that you will reinforce if they continue to trespass your boundaries. For example, you may say, “If you don’t stop contacting me, I will have to get law enforcement involved”)

E- Exercise boundaries. State a tangible boundary through electronic communication so that you have a record of it. Only say the boundary once. If they do not respect the boundary, follow through on the consequences.

A- Appreciate your own needs. Do NOT show appreciation to a narcissist. Affirm that your needs are important and prioritize meeting your needs.

R- Repetition. Refuse to be diverted. If they try to gaslight you, become a broken record or say nothing at all. Repeat to yourself the reality you experienced so that you can remain grounded amidst their mind games.

U- Unify yourself with your goals and support network. Do not expect to reach agreement with a narcissist.

P- Power posing. Act confident and prepare yourself ahead of time so that you can remain confident. If needed, take a safe third party with you to witness and embolden you. Maintain eye contact if you are meeting in person and stand in a power posture.

If you would like to dig deeper into how you can set boundaries and break free from toxic relationships, check out Shahida Arabi’s book, where she goes into depth on each of these toxic personalities and how they effect highly sensitive people.

How to Set Boundaries With the Toxic People in Your Life