Conflict in Relationships Part 2: Essential Tools For Managing Conflict in Your Relationship
Every relationship—even the healthiest ones—experience conflict. Conflict does not have to keep tearing you and your partner apart. Conflict, when managed well, plays a positive role in deepening your intimacy and strengthening your marriage.
The benefits of well-managed conflict
Increases trust in your relationship.
Deepens your intimacy as both partners experience feeling seen, understood, and known.
Gives you and your partner an opportunity to improve your relationship.
Affirms the value of your connection. Rather than avoiding your partner (and your relationship) and walking on egg-shells, you are choosing to trust your partner with your differences and grow together.
Teaches you to honor the uniqueness of your partner and reminds you of your interdependence.
Reminds you of your partner’s needs and gives you an opportunity to respond to their needs.
When managed well, conflict is one of the greatest catalysts for growth and deepened intimacy.
Conflict, in any relationship, will happen. How you manage it will determine the level of satisfaction you feel in your relationship.
Dr. John Gottman, a renown relationship researcher, found that 69% of relationship problems were unresolvable—they were perpetual problems based on personality differences. What this means is that you and your partner may have the same fights over and over without finding a solution. Conflict resolution is not the secret to a happy marriage. The key is developing healthy conflict habits that turn your conflict into an opportunity for connection.
Imagine the impact it would have on your relationship if each time you experience your unresolvable conflict, you grow more deeply connected.
Gottman discovered several patterns in relationships that destroy marriages, and alternatives to those patterns that support fulfilling, happy marriages. If you have not yet read about these destructive patterns, take a moment to head on over to Part 1 of this series, where I lay out the 4 most destructive conflict patterns in relationships.
Frequent conflict in relationships can be unsettling because we feel like we are the victim to the never-ending rollercoaster of emotions and don’t know how to make the chaos stop. If this is you and you feel like your relationship is out of control, I have good news for you. Learning these destructive conflict patterns and their healthy alternatives, gives you and your partner the ability to mindfully interrupt the hurtful patterns and engage your partner in a way that unites you amidst your differences.
4 Conflict Habits That Support a Healthy Marriage
#1 Replace criticism with a complaint.
A complaint, when used appropriately, is one of the best ways to honestly engage your partner when you find that resentment is beginning to build. It is a way for you to turn toward your partner and make a request for a change that will strengthen your relationship. Not only will your partner begin to feel more emotionally safe in the relationship, knowing that you will speak up if something is bothering you, but you and your partner will have an opportunity to meet each others needs as you support each other, which will strengthen your attachment bond.
If you find yourself using criticism in your relationship, try using a complaint instead. Your complaint should consist of 3 elements:
1) How you feel,
2) the specific event or behavior, and
3) a request signifying what you need.
The key to a good complaint is using “I statements” rather than “you statements.” This will help you avoid criticizing your partner. I frequently remind couples I work with to set a time and date for the conversation. This helps your partner feel prepared to engage in a difficult conversation with you in a healthy way.
#2 Build a culture of appreciation in your relationship.
Building a culture of appreciation in your relationship counters the negativity that shows up when you are experiencing contempt. When criticism and defensiveness have taken their hold on the relationship, negativity can begin to consume the relationship. It is important to find ways to foster a fondness and admiration of your partner. Gottman calls this “positive sentiment override.” When positive sentiment override is present, small offenses are easily forgiven and repair is easier. Positive sentiment override transforms conflict into an opportunity for closeness and enhances the the romance in your relationship.
If negativity is taking hold of your relationship, I want to challenge you to begin creating a habit of noticing positive qualities in your partner.
#3 Take responsibility.
The antidote to defensiveness is responsibility. Instead of trying to strengthen your argument, examine the ways you have contributed to the conflict and take responsibility for those contributions. Humility goes a long way in regaining connection. Your partner will feel safe to let their guard down, and effective listening and communication will become possible. When your partner knows that you are willing to examine your own part in the conflict, they will begin to start releasing their need to blame you and begin to examine how they can also take responsibility for the conflict.
#4 Soothe yourself so that you can remain present.
Stonewalling, occurs when we become overwhelmed by the conflict and negativity in the relationship. We do not feel capable of being in the midst of so much distress, and as a result, we shut down and block our partner out. Often, in the midst of this distress, partners find themselves in fight-or-flight mode. At this point, they are incapable of rational conversation because the prefrontal region of the brain (the part that is responsible for rational thought) shuts down and the emotion center of the brain (the amygdala) takes over.
The best thing you can do for your relationship when tension is high is to take a break. Take ten minutes to pause the argument and do something that calms and soothes you. This might be listening to music, petting your dog, reading a book, or drinking your favorite tea. Whatever it is, do something that calms you. By doing this, you calm your fight-or-flight system and are able to re-engage your partner in a rational, compassionate, and responsive way.
