Conflict in Relationships Part 1: The 4 Most Destructive Conflict Patterns to Avoid
If you feel as if you and your partner are riding the same emotional rollercoaster over and over and cannot seem to stop fighting, your relationship may be suffering from one or many of these destructive conflict patterns.
The good news is that understanding these patterns will help you and your partner interrupt these conflict cycles and develop conflict habits that draw you into deeper connection and intimacy. (Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series, where I will teach you how to turn your conflicts into opportunities for connection.)
The way you fight says a lot about whether or not you will divorce.
Dr. John Gottman, a renown relationship researcher, conducted seven longitudinal studies that were able to predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple would divorce. He found that the way couples interacted with each other became the deciding factor in whether or not a couple would divorce.
Now, before you let your mind catastrophize as you recall the conflicts you and your partner have experienced, let me ease your anxiety with saying that Gottman found that conflict in relationships is a given. You and your partner WILL have conflict and that is normal. Ridding your relationship of conflict is not the secret to a happy marriage. Learning to fight well is the difference between a marriage that lasts and a marriage that falls apart.
Gottman discovered several patterns in relationships that destroy marriages. Gottman calls these destructive patterns the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
#1 Criticism
A criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint is part of clear and assertive communication that builds up your marriage. It is about a specific behavior or event and has 3 parts:
How I feel
The specific event
What I need
Criticism is much different because it focuses on a negative feeling or opinion about the person’s character or personality globally. If you find yourself saying “you always…” or “you never…” you are probably in the middle of a criticism. Criticism is common for a lot of couples, and when it becomes very frequent, it may lead to the other 3 horsemen that endanger your relationship.
#2 Contempt
Contempt involves a sense of superiority that you hold over your partner. It is fueled by long-held negative thoughts about your partner. This negativity makes it difficult for either partner to hear a repair attempt, which is an essential tool for healthy relationships.
#3 Defensiveness
Defensiveness is blame in disguise. It often looks like stepping into the victim role and seeing your partner as the enemy. This changes the relationship dynamic by disconnecting each partner rather than bringing each partner together to function as a team. When you find yourself in the “blame game,” it is probably time to take a time-out before the disconnection in your relationship leads to the next horseman of the apocalypse, stonewalling.
#4 Stonewalling
When contempt, defensiveness, and criticism have escalated the conflict, it is common to see one partner disengage. We call this stonewalling. At this point, negativity in the relationship has become overwhelming. By avoiding the conflict, the partner also avoids the marriage.
Take a moment to consider which of these you tend to act from in your relationship.
If you notice that you and your partner participate in one or many of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, know that you are not alone. Even some of the best marriages have used these conflict behaviors. The difference between a marriage that falls apart and a marriage that thrives is a couple’s ability to repair. If you are ready to turn these destructive conflict patterns into catalysts for deepened intimacy, stay tuned! In Part 2 of this series, I teach you how to mindfully interrupt these hurtful patterns with habits that support the health of your relationship.
