How to Repair Your Relationship After a Fight
Repair—not perfection—is the path toward growth, connection, and healing. Through repair, you will deepen your connection not despite of the pain—but because you walked through the pain together in pursuit of repair.
We have all been there—that moment when you wound your partner and wish you could erase that moment from your relationship. You will hurt your partner. That is part of inviting someone into relationship with you. You invited them to affect you and be affected by you. The wound in your relationship is not the end of the story.
What is a repair attempt?
A repair attempt is any statement or action that prevents the conflict from escalating—it is a way that we put on the breaks and offer our partner a bid for connection (Gottman, 2015). It is not about having the best repair method; rather, it is about knowing your partner well enough that you know how to get through to them in a way that they can receive your bid for connection.
If you notice that you and your partner are stuck in your conflict and participating in either criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, it is time to make a repair attempt. If you are noticing that you or your partner participate in these behaviors quite frequently, know that you are not alone. Even some of the best marriages have used these conflict behaviors.
The difference between a relationship that falls apart and a relationship that thrives is a couple’s ability to repair.
4 Steps to Repairing After a Conflict
Step #1— Make a bid for connection
Bid for connections are all about de-escalating the conflict. It is a way of re-routing the argument and turning toward each other rather than being against each other.
Negativity in a relationship makes it difficult for either partner to hear a repair attempt. If you find that negativity has consumed your relationship and that attempts to repair often fall on deaf ears, make it a point to make your attempts obviously formal so that you can emphasize them. These attempts may sound formal and awkward now, but with time and use, you will begin to personalize them and they will feel more natural. Even humor can be a way to deescalate a conflict if it is received well by your partner!
The key is knowing your partner well enough that your bid for connection is something your partner can hear amidst the chaos of the conflict.
Examples of formal repair attempts can include:
“I really blew that one”
“I am thankful for…”
“My part of the problem is…”
“I love you”
“Tell me what you hear me saying”
“I want to be gentler toward you right now, and I don’t know how”
Again, it is not about finding the perfect words. What matters is that you find what works for your unique relationship.
Step #2— Self-Soothe and Soothe Your Partner
The goal is to enhance the sense of safety so that this conflict can become a gateway to a deeper bond rather than a conflict that divides you both. It is essential that you calm the brain and body so that you can engage in an intentional, responsive way with your partner. (Head over to this resource to learn more about how soothing the brain and body creates space for healing conversations.)
You cannot soothe your partner until you are soothed.
A “time-out” can be a helpful tool for engaging in soothing behaviors. If you need to take a moment to calm yourself, communicate that to your partner and let them know when you will return. Use this time to try a grounding activity, meditate, use some deep breathing—whatever works for you. Whatever you do, DO NOT use this time to plan your defense in the argument.
Learn what soothes your partner and use those tools to co-regulate. This involves knowing your partner well. Find out what your partner prefers when they are stressed and do it. Examples could include a massage, cuddling, a long hug, brushing their hair, or going for a walk.
Step #3— Compromise
Find something that you can both feel comfortable agreeing on. Do not expect that your partner will come entirely over to your viewpoint. What are you willing to let go of for the sake of your connection?
This step gives you and your partner an opportunity to put things in perspective: what are you willing to sacrifice the health of your relationship for, and what are you not willing to let damage your relationship? Choose your battles. All relationships have conflict, and the key is knowing what you value and what you are willing to let go of.
Step #4— Heal the Emotional Wounds
This step is critical because it goes beyond the conflict in the present moment and strengthens your relationship so that you can respond well to your partner in the future. It fosters connection by engaging in vulnerability, honesty, and humility.
During this step, each person will…
Share what you felt during the argument
Share your experience of the argument and what you needed
Share what triggers arose for you
Acknowledge your role in what happened (very important!)
And game plan how you and your partner will try to prevent this injury in
future arguments
These repair attempt strategies are critical for a healthy, thriving relationship. Remember, it is not about never hurting your partner, but being willing to be present and regain connection amidst the pain.
If you would like to take the repair process a step further, check out my blog on How to Write a Repair Letter to Your Partner.
If you would like to learn more about repair attempts in relationships, check out Gottman’s “Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.” This book provides helpful insights, tools, and activities to support the health and healing of your relationship.
