You may be experiencing betrayal trauma.

If you have just experienced the pain of your partner’s betrayal, you may feel as if your sense of safety and security in the world has been shattered. What you once felt sure of, no longer feels safe or stable. Perhaps you feel emotionally undone. If this is you, know that you are not alone and you don’t have to heal from this alone.

The pain of infidelity that you are experiencing is an attachment wound. An attachment wound is an emotional wound within an intimate relationship. It often happens after a breach of trust—particularly in a time of need or a moment of loss or transition. An attachment wound can leave you feeling betrayed or abandoned. In some instances, this attachment wound can be traumatic and result in symptoms similar to PTSD:

Nightmares
Flashbacks
Avoidance of reminders of the betrayal
Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
Negative beliefs about yourself
Hypervigillance
Exaggerated startle response

If you are experiencing an attachment wound and/or betrayal trauma, safety is of utmost importance. The first step to healing this wound is to establish a sense of safety in your body, relationship, and environment. This is where boundaries come in.

Boundaries empower you to feel safe again.

Any relationship that feels safe involves boundaries. You need to know that you are safe in your environment and your relationship—that you are not a victim to life but have a sense of agency. This is where boundaries come in! If you are experiencing trauma as a result of your partner’s behaviors, it is important that you reclaim a sense of agency in your life and become the gatekeeper of your own heart.

Your personal sense of agency, your commitment to each other, and your agreed upon boundaries will be tools that help you develop a sense of safety so that issues of trust and trauma can heal. This healing process involves your attachment bond—it cannot be healed by staunch independence. Managing your fears and sense of unsafety on your own leads to more destruction through dissociation, despair, chronic panic, emotional outbursts, relational disconnection, and addictions. You need each other. This is the beauty of being human—we are made for connection marked by healthy interdependence. Healthy connection involves boundaries. Knowing, naming, and maintaining boundaries empower you to create a sense of safety in your life.

When anger shows up, don’t run! Listen.

Anger plays an important role in boundary setting, for it is an indicator to us of deeper emotional experiences such as a sense of injustice, disrespect, or fear. When you feel anger, take a moment to pause. What is your anger telling you? What do you need in that moment? This will often point to a boundary you need to feel safe.

Anger, when listened to rather than reacted from, is a valuable emotion.

Types of Boundaries

Boundaries should be a direct response to your needs. Again, the goal is to help you feel safe again. By listening to your anger, you will be able to get in touch with your deepest needs. These will serve as guideposts as you begin developing your boundaries.

There are five types of boundaries that reinforce a sense of safety:

#1 Non-negotiable Boundaries

These are limits that you see as absolutely necessary, that when crossed, may result in severing the relationship.

#2 Emotional Boundaries

These are limits that help maintain your emotional and mental health

#3 Physical and Sexual Boundaries

These help protect your physical and sexual health.

#4 Boundaries with Other People, Places, or Things

For example, if your spouse had an affair with someone at your church, you may have a boundary that you both will no longer attend that church. This helps you establish an environment that feels safe.

#5 Boundaries with Yourself

These can be mental, emotional, or behavioral things that you decide you will not let yourself do or think because you know that it causes you to spiral, feel unsafe, or threaten your overall health. For example, you can set boundaries with the types of self-talk you use, or the amount of social media you consume. A physical example might be the boundary that you will not restrict your food or self-harm. Boundaries with yourself should also involve a self-care plan: what will you use to replace the self-destructive thing you are choosing to not engage in?

How to Establish Boundaries and Their Consequences

Before beginning, I cannot emphasize enough that boundaries are not meant to punish your partner but establish a sense of safety for yourself. They are a tool for re-establishing safety in your relationship so that you can restore your connection.

Step 1

It is helpful to discuss your boundaries and consequences with a therapist prior to discussing them with your partner. I suggest exploring your emotions of fear and anger and using them as guideposts to discover what causes you to feel unsafe and what would help you feel safe.

Step 2

Develop boundaries in each category (as noted above) and provide consequences for each boundary if it were to be crossed. These consequences should aim at enhancing your sense of safety, not punishing your partner.

Step 3

Communicate the plan to your partner with your therapist present.

Step 4

It is important that the plan is flexible enough so that you have the freedom to modify the plan depending on the circumstances. This way, you will not be forced to follow through on a consequence that is inappropriate when the time comes. The person who establishes the boundaries as a means of protecting themselves is the only one who can modify the boundaries.

You are so courageous.

Your decision to fight for yourself in this painful time takes courage. Each step of the way along this healing process, you will grow in resiliency and strength. If you are looking for someone to support you or you and your partner on this journey, I invite you to reach out for therapy. Whether it is with me or someone else, a professional counselor can create the safety and direction you and your partner need to navigate this difficult season. Healing is possible for you.

Thoughts to Ponder…

When has fear/anger shown up for you in your relationship? What were they telling you?
What does safety involve for you (emotionally, physically, etc.)?
What do you feel in your body when you think about setting boundaries?

Boundaries That Will Help You Survive an Affair—Everything You Need to Know