3 Things That Prolonged My Healing
We all have a unique and personal healing journey that we need to walk, but for many of us, when it comes to healing from relational trauma, there are things that can delay our healing. I want to share a bit of my healing journey with you, in hopes that you can learn from my mistakes.
Looking back, I see that there were a few things that delayed my healing. As a kid, I was the golden child who was loyal to a fault. I was afraid of being abandoned, and as a result, enmeshed in order to protect myself. I look back at my younger self with compassion. She was just trying to survive, but those survival tools don’t work anymore.
3 things that delayed my healing:
I was afraid of being a “bad person”
The good/bad dichotomy is a dangerous trap to fall into. Any form of emotional maturity means being able to live in the middle ground—for things to not be all or nothing.
I grew up to become a people pleaser and the golden child. My parents would simply look at me with disapproval and I would break down in tears. I was so afraid of being “bad” and took on a role self that appeared perfectionistic in order to earn love.
As an adult, this translated into becoming an expert at abandoning myself. For one, I took the religious messages I was surrounded with much too far. I heard messages like putting others before myself, turning the other cheek, and laying down my life for others, and translated it into an all-or-nothing idea. Because I wasn’t able to live in the middle ground, I assumed that being “good” meant taking abuse, abandoning myself, and not having boundaries.
At the end of the day, having boundaries does not make anyone a “bad” person—it makes them a separate and healthy person.
2. I didn't understand my trauma response.
It took me a long time to get clear on what my trauma response was. You’ve probably heard of the fight, flight, freeze responses, but there is another one, and it happened to be mine: the fawn response. The fawn response involves appeasing the abuser in order to avoid danger (yes, I was quite the people pleaser and loyal to a fault).
We don’t necessarily get to choose our trauma responses, but understanding them allows us to find our healing path forward. It becomes a roadmap for healing trauma.
Looking back, I have compassion for my younger self. In many ways, this survival skill helped me avoid some of the more intense forms of abuse, but my trauma became much more entrenched in my mind and body because I felt powerless to stop the abuse.
Trauma entrenches itself within our bodies and minds when we enter into a helpless state–when we don’t release that trauma in the moment but instead, hold it in and internalize it. So much of my healing work has involved letting the trauma out--setting boundaries, allowing myself to be angry, and not shutting down my feelings. It has involved taking the risk to be myself rather than abandon myself to keep the peace. Scary stuff, right?
3. I saw enmeshment as a quality rather than a dysfunctional trait.
As I mentioned earlier, as a kid (and young adult), I was loyal to a fault. For a long time, I saw this as a positive quality–I always put others' needs before my own and would take on the emotions of others as if they were my own. I am a feeler. I love this about myself AND if not engaged with balance, it can be my downfall.
Enmeshment taught me how to become an expert in abandoning myself. I ended up lacking boundaries and becoming estranged from my true emotions and thoughts. I eventually got to the point where I felt out of touch with my center, not knowing who I was.
This prolonged my healing and kept me in denial. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her that my thoughts are my own, my feelings are my own, and it is okay to claim them as my own. These thoughts and emotions are mine, and others can be responsible for theirs.
If you identify with any of this, know that this does not mean that your healing will also be delayed. Your self-awareness–the way you are investing in yourself right now–is the healing work. Healing is happening right now. Forgive yourself, honor those parts of you that helped you survive, and let them know it is okay to choose a different path now.
