Escaping the Chaos as a Childhood Trauma Survivor
One of the most common things I see in childhood trauma survivors is this striking pattern of gravitating toward adrenaline-rushing jobs, hobbies, and relationships. We are prone to physical, financial, and relational breakdown (Take the ACE’s test to see the impact of trauma on your life). While in some ways it is our preferred way of feeling alive (like downhill skiing, performing well in a fast-paced career, or feeling “sparks” in a relationship), it can also be a quick road to burn out, chronic stress, and fatigue.
Caring for our minds, souls, and bodies as trauma survivors means knowing how to find balance in our lives–to create an environment (whether that be physical or relational) that helps us feel alive without activating our nervous systems to the point where we are chronically in survival mode.
Why we gravitate toward chaos
The truth is, your body, having experienced trauma, has learned to adapt to chronic stress to such an extent that it actually views chaos and stress as the baseline. What this means for you is that you may be operating in a constant state of stress without seeing it as a problem until it is too late.
In many ways, we gravitate toward chaotic, unstable and adrenaline rushing lifestyles because we thrive in these situations. We know how to handle chaos–we’ve done it our whole life. It was the air we breathed as children. My guess is that you are someone who can remain fairly calm and level headed in a crisis moment–you are someone that other people feel like they can lean on in their own stressful moments.
Unfortunately, the other side of this is that stable, predictable, peaceful environments and relationships feel boring. You might even feel repelled by them. They are unfamiliar and you still have yet to experience this as the baseline for thriving in life.
The nervous system’s role
One of our nervous systems’ primary roles is to detect and respond to threats in our environment. Our nervous systems are constantly learning and adapting. Things that are familiar feel safe to our nervous system because it has already adapted to it. I’ve written all about this here if you want to learn more.
What this means is that chaos is going to feel safe even if it is not safe. Your tumultuous rollercoaster relationship feels familiar and so it feels safer to stay in it than to leave (or try to achieve stability). The healing process of slowing down and responding to ourselves feels much less familiar than simply running off to the next adrenaline-rushing thing. Healing requires a level of courage to do the unfamiliar thing that is actually safe.
Excitement or Trauma?
Our bodies do not distinguish the activation of our nervous systems due to excitement from the activation due to a trigger.
[NOTE about our stress response: The cortisol (often referred to as the “stress hormone”) is involved in both excitement and stress. When our nervous systems have adapted to ongoing toxic stress, they become impaired in their ability to respond to the stress and return to homeostasis. Our chronic stress leads to chronic fatigue, poor sleep cycles, digestive issues, and even autoimmune disorders.]
Why does this matter?
Caring for our mind, body, and souls requires allowing our nervous systems to experience reprieve from chronic stress. We need balance in our lives. and knowing this is the key to finding that balance. If you are in a fast-paced, chaotic job, chances are that you will fare much better if you have a lower stimulating, more peaceful experience in other areas of your life.
The other reason this matters is that it can be so easy to confuse a trigger for excitement. A relationship may feel exciting and deeply connected because your nervous system is activated. In reality, you might actually feel unsafe by the instability in the relationship. It’s hard to discern the difference between an unsafe relationship and connection if you don’t know how to tune into your body and truly listen to the kind of activation you are experiencing in your nervous system.
Living more effectively
Trauma healing is not about rehashing the past, but living more effectively in the present.
We need to get to know our nervous systems in the here and now–to know how we respond to life and relationships given our trauma history. Every time we ignore our body’s cues that it is overwhelmed by pushing ourselves through stressful, chaotic situations, we abandon ourselves. We teach the wounded parts of us that we are not trustworthy–that we don’t have their back in their moments of need.
Sound familiar? The relationship we have with our wounded parts of us often reflect the emotional immaturity we experienced from our parents growing up.
An emotionally mature parent is someone who is attuned to their child. They know the small cues that show that their child is overwhelmed and they know how to respond to their child’s stress. THAT is what healing ourselves looks like: attuning to these wounded parts of us and being the emotionally mature and responsive parent that we’ve always needed. This body scan meditation is a great way to begin attuning to yourself.
This can look like…
Noticing what being around an unsafe person feels like in our body and choosing to have boundaries
Choosing to not get into chaotic relationships that replicate our trauma
Being gentle with ourselves and knowing when it is time to rest (and not feel guilty for that)
Becoming a master at responding to ourselves and improving our overall mental health and stability.
Achieving this balance is how we can finally live lives that feel whole, connected, and stable rather than frantic, fearful, and unstable.
Reflection question:
What changes do you need to make in your life to allow your nervous system to finally rest and feel safe?
