Healing Rejection, Abandonment, and Neglect
Have you ever experienced feeling competent, stable, and secure, and then the next moment, insecure, ashamed, or fearful? You may question how you can feel so sure of yourself one moment and then so insecure the next. If so, you are not alone.
If this is you, you probably experience life as a roller coaster—as you recognize the sudden shifts in the way you view yourself and your life. These shifts may occur without any large changes in your external reality, yet internally, there are shifts that occur that bring these vastly different ways you view yourself and the world to the forefront.
Why do I experience this emotional rollercoaster?
We all have two parts of us: the part of us that views the world through the eyes of the child we once were, and the part of us that views the world through the eyes of the adults we are now. These parts often play the role of responding (or reacting) to your present reality, and depending on the part of you that is in the driver’s seat, you can have these vastly different experiences, yet still be the same you.
How does it work?
You are confronted with something that unconsciously reminds you of a painful or unresolved moment from your past (Triggering Moment)
This triggering moment shifts you out of your Adult Self and places your Childhood Self into the driver’s seat.
For most of us, our childhood needs were not truly met.
Yes, you may have had food, shelter, and clothing, but perhaps you didn’t feel emotionally safe in your home, or who you were as a person was not respected and celebrated. Perhaps you didn’t receive the warmth and encouragement you needed from your caregiver.
When you learned as a child that these deeper needs were not going to be met by the people who were supposed to care for you in this way, you developed survival strategies that would help you avoid the reality that your caregivers were not going to meet your needs.
These survival strategies are not “bad” parts of you—in fact, they are the reason you were able to survive your childhood.
Unfortunately, they do not serve your adult self—your True Self—any longer. It is time to thank those survival strategies, lay them to rest, and pick up new habits and patterns that help you embody your truest, healthiest self.
3 Examples of Triggering Experiences
Abandonment
Rejection
Neglect
Abandonment, rejection, and neglect are 3 triggering relational experiences. Have you ever experienced your partner doing something that sent you into fight or flight mode, but then you later realized that there was no threat at all? You realize that to anyone else, they wouldn’t have blinked an eye at what your partner just did. Often, when we have these realizations, it is easy to shame ourselves or invalidate our experience. When this happens, instead of brushing it aside, I want to encourage you to stay with that moment. Listen to it. Learn from it.
Often small moments like these become relational symbols of the rejection, abandonment, or neglect that we experienced as children. When we experience these triggers, our nervous system motivates us to do things that help us feel safe or get our needs met. You are hardwired to react in these ways when you perceive that you aren’t going to get your needs met in a relationship.
The 5 protectors you may be reacting from
We tend to use one or more of these 5 protectors when we experience a triggering moment that threatens our sense of security, belonging, and safety. These protectors either pull you closer to a person or cause you to push the other person away.
The 5 protectors are:
Aggression. You may have learned as a child that if you can dominate another person through aggression, you will be able to get your way.
Self-Aggression. Or perhaps you learned that when you blame yourself, you make yourself small, and this keeps others from further hurting you. When you use self-aggression, you expect that someone might give you what you need because you submitted.
Wishing. You may respond to triggering moments by hoping for something different. This may motivate you to do something about your situation and offer you some forward momentum.
Dreading. Many of us have learned that anticipating a future pain will protect us. You may have learned to dread that something will hurt you so that you won't be surprised by the pain. Unfortunately, this can rob you of the goodness of your present reality.
Denying Your Needs. You may have developed the survival strategy of “going with the flow” and externalizing your needs onto others. You appear self-sufficient and strong with no needs at all. This denial protects you from feeling the loss of an unmet need.
What healing involves
Our bodies play an important role in helping us navigate the triggering experiences of rejection, abandonment, or neglect.
Healing involves becoming acquainted to these intense emotions and engaging them with curiosity.
The felt experiences of rejection, abandonment, and neglect may feel unbearable, but as an adult, they will not be the end of us. You can feel these experiences and move through them rather become stuck in them if you let yourself engage rather than stuff them away.
Your protectors try to push these emotional experiences away, but anything that is to be healed must be touched, experienced, known. Healing involves getting back in touch with your True Self. It involves letting yourself feel the old, unresolved pain, while understanding that the pain may be about a moment from your past and not your present reality. As you begin to let yourself feel these emotions, you begin to consciously release your old survival tools and consciously welcome a healthier behavior.
Healing these wounds will mean no longer being thrown into your old, painful past by the smallest symbol of your pain. It will mean being free to choose how you respond to a moment rather than feeling victimized by life as it comes.
If this resonates for you, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist who can guide you through these painful experiences. You do not have to do this journey alone. You are worthy of healing, love, and connection.
