What To Do If Your Partner Refuses To Go To Couples Counseling
Are you finding yourself wondering how you and your partner ever got to this place? Perhaps there used to be so much joy and connection in your relationship—you enjoyed being with each other and faced life’s troubles as a team.
It’s so easy to feel alone and overwhelmed when the relationship begins to take a turn for the worse and it seems like you are constantly falling back into the same cyclical conflicts. You may be wondering if your relationship is past repair.
Couples counseling offers an opportunity for you and your partner to work on your relationship in a safe environment—where you both have space to feel seen, heard, and known. It is a time for you to make your relationship a priority as you step away from the chaos of life and focus on each other. Couples counseling is an opportunity for you and your partner to enhance the emotional safety in your relationship, reconnect with each other, and be nourished.
But what if your partner refuses to come to counseling? Their refusal can feel devastating. You may be wondering if this is the end of all hope for your relationship. It can be easy to see their refusal as a sign that they have given up on you and your relationship.
If this is you, and your partner is reluctant to attend couples counseling, know that you are not alone. Also know that your partner’s refusal to attend therapy may be more about their own fears than their level of commitment to you.
Before we jump in, take a deep breath, and know that you are loved and there is a path forward. Here are a few things you can do if your partner is hesitant to go to couples counseling.
#1 Do Not Let Your Fears Take You Down
Your partner’s reluctance is not the same as your partner rejecting you. This can be a hard concept to wrap your mind around, and I want to encourage you to pause and consider what other reasons there might be for your partner feeling hesitant about therapy.
When we assume that our partner’s refusal is an indicator that they are rejecting or abandoning us, it is easy to become reactive. You may be thinking, “if my partner truly loved me, they would do anything and everything possible to make our relationship work again.” Fear is a powerful barrier to healing, and your partner may be experiencing a variety of fears about attending couples counseling. It will serve both you and your partner to take a moment to pause, release the urge to become defensive, and approach your partner with curiosity. What is their reluctance about? What do they fear? Fear is best subdued through a loving presence.
#2 Be Curious
There may be a variety of reasons why your partner is hesitant to attend couples counseling. Start by approaching your partner with curiosity. Take time to listen to their concerns with love and curiosity. Be mindful of when you begin to feel defensive, and remind yourself that right now, your goal is to be a loving presence. This process in itself is part of you and your partner healing as a couple.
Here are some reasons your partner might be reluctant to attend couples counseling.
Their afraid the therapist will take sides
If you and your partner have been experiencing a lot of conflict recently, chances are, that your relationship has experienced the “blame game.” When we feel defensive, it is common to place blame on our partners and find someone who can side with us. We do this because we do not feel emotionally safe in the relationship. You and your partner want to feel seen and understood. Your partner’s fear of a therapist taking sides is a completely understandable fear.
It is important to know that couples therapy treats the relationship—not each individual—as the client. What this means is that they do not take sides because they are working toward supporting your bond. A good therapist will create space for both partner’s voices and validate each partner so that each of you feel seen and heard. Couples therapy presses “pause” when the blame-throwing tries to take place and offers a safe space for each partner to voice their needs, fears, concerns, and desires.
In addition, couples therapists view the issues in your relationship systemically. They look at all of the issues in and around the relationship causing stress on you, as a couple. Couples therapists are trained to look beyond an overly simplistic view that places the blame on one partner.
A good therapist will not only create space for each partner to feel seen and heard, but will also help you stop the blame game and break your conflict cycle so that the two of you can repair your relationship and regain a sense of emotional safety.
They are uncomfortable with discussing relationship issues with a stranger
Receiving relationship help from a therapist is a relatively new concept. It is understandable that your partner may view your relationship issues as a private matter that shouldn’t be talked about to a complete stranger. Exposing the private, broken parts of your relationship to someone takes a large amount of vulnerability and courage. If your partner struggles with shame, opening up to someone about the relationship can be extremely difficult.
If this is what your partner is experiencing, offer them compassion. It is completely human to want to hide the broken parts of ourselves—especially from people we do not know.
Couples counseling is expensive
Couples counseling can be a large investment, and for couples stressed about finances, it can feel overwhelming to invest money into therapy.
If finances are a barrier, there are several options that can help:
Find a therapist that offers low fees or a sliding scale
Consider attending a workshop or couples intensive, which can be less expensive than long-term therapy.
Find a therapist that can take your insurance, HSA, or FSA accounts. If you are struggling to find a therapist that takes your insurance, find out if your insurance offers out-of-network benefits. If so, your therapist may be able to offer you a superbill so that you can get reimbursed by your insurance company.
Find out if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program, which often offers employees a limited number of free sessions with a therapist.
They are afraid that couples counseling is for relationships that are ending
Too often, people use couples therapy as a last resort, which has created an understanding in our society that if you are in couples therapy, your relationship is on the brink of divorce.
The reality is that therapy can save a relationship by responding to the early signs of disconnection. It is best to seek out therapy before major wounds are inflicted on your relationship. By responding to the early signs of noticing defensiveness, assuming the worst in your partner’s motives, shutting down during disagreements, or no longer making space for connection, you can avoid much larger issues from occurring such as infidelity and separation. When you wait until a crisis occurs in your relationship, you will have to spend much more emotional energy repairing after the crisis and not have much energy available to heal the issues that brought on the crisis in the first place.
#3 See if your partner is willing to compromise
You cannot force your partner to go to therapy. In fact, unless both partners are willing to be involved in the process, couples therapy probably won’t be effective.
After listening to your partner and creating space for them to voice their concerns, see if they would be willing to compromise by trying a few sessions with the agreement that they can stop couples therapy at any time. Offering your partner the freedom to stop therapy at any point may help them feel more safe to give it a try.
If your partner still doesn’t want to go to couples counseling…
Look into a therapy alternative
The key is making time to invest deeply in your relationship. Some options may include attending a workshop, going on a couples retreat or intensive, working through a self-help book together such as “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman.
Attend therapy alone
Relationships are systems. What this means for you is that by changing one part of the relationship, the relationship as a whole will change. By taking steps to better yourself, heal your own wounds, and learning how to respond to your partner in a way that enhances the emotional safety in your relationship, you will see many improvements in your relationship.
You cannot change your partner, but you can focus on yourself and take responsibility for the ways you can benefit your relationship’s health. By going to individual therapy, you can make a substantial difference in your relationship.
